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We’ve heard the same recycled advice for how to make friendships as an adult: smile more, make eye contact, be confident—and voilà, you’ll be swimming in besties.
But if that were true, you wouldn’t be right here reading yet another article on how to make friends for life.
Making a friend can feel like the stars aligned perfectly. But adult friendships follow a set of very practical, linear steps (using our Friendship Funnel model). Once you grasp the rules, you’ll know how to play the game.
So forget generic advice that sounds more like customer service tips, and let’s get into the real strategies that create lasting connections.
Why it’s so hard to make adult friendships?
Humans are hardwired to connect. Like hunger or thirst, the urge to form meaningful relationships is built into our DNA.
Loneliness isn’t some personal failure—it’s something a lot of people are dealing with, more than you might think. So be kind to yourself!
We’ve all heard about the impacts of COVID-19 isolation on loneliness and the scary stats like how loneliness increases the risk of death by any cause by 14% [1]. But why? The modern world just isn’t designed to help us make friends.
Fewer Opportunities
Remember how easy it was to make friends in school? Life back then revolved entirely around one thing: school.
You spent hours every day in the same place with the same people, with plenty of free time to chat during lunch or collaborate on projects. You couldn’t avoid interacting with classmates. Friendships were sometimes inevitable.
Busy Schedules
Ever had a close friend get into a new relationship and then poof—they vanish? Well, making friends as an adult is like that, but with everyone.
And they’re not just off the grid because of a new partner—they’ve got a new job, a new kid, and about a million other things that keep them too busy to hang out.
Even if they’re not drowning in chores, their free time is often reserved for existing friendships or family. It doesn’t leave much room (or energy) for building new connections.
Now, imagine this challenge doubled—both you and the person have to find free time.
Differences
One surprising reason it’s harder to make friends as an adult is that, as you grow older, your interests narrow. When you were younger, everyone was more or less the same. All kids loved toys and in school, people bond over partying or studying.
Now everyone’s on different life stages. Some are married, some are raising kids, others are advancing their careers, studying, or traveling.
This makes finding someone you relate to more challenging.
At this point, you might wonder, “is making friends even worth it? Or even possible?”
But here’s the thing: just one close, genuine adult friendship can make all the effort feel absolutely worth it. Building friendships as an adult isn’t impossible—it just requires a different approach.
How To Actually Make Adult Friendships
Yes, making friends takes time and effort, but here’s the catch—it doesn’t have to feel like a chore. Instead of focusing on the end goal of forming a new friendship, focus on enjoying the moment and connecting with people. To build good friends for life, we’ll guide you through our Friendship Funnel!
1. Initial Encounter: How To Meet New People
Sociologists have identified three crucial factors that foster friendships as an adult:
- Proximity
- Recurring unplanned meetings, and
- An environment that nurtures openness.
Repeated, unplanned encounters help lower our guard and increase comfort, turning acquaintances into something more.
To start making new friends, you need to maximize your exposure—essentially, putting yourself “on the market.”
Begin by figuring out what excites you. Is there a hobby you've always wanted to try?
Think back to our hunter-gatherer ancestors—they didn’t meet up just to chat about life. They bonded while doing things together: hunting, gathering, building fires, and solving the day’s survival problems.
Take a few minutes to brainstorm your interests. It could be rock climbing, soccer, or book clubs. Once you’ve got an idea, hop onto Google Maps and search for local groups or venues that offer these activities.
Yes, it might feel intimidating or awkward to step into a new social setting, but that's completely normal.
Finding the right social group that feels welcoming and aligns with your interests takes some trial and error.
Starting the Conversation
We’re often scared we’ll say the wrong thing or worry that the other person won’t like us. But in truth, most people are just waiting for someone else to start the conversation and feel relieved when they make the first move.
Don’t put the pressure on yourself by thinking, "this has to lead to a new friendship" or "we need to have a full conversation." You may or may not have a long chat, and that’s okay! Instead, think of it as a quick exchange to ease the tension and practice your social skills.
One of the easiest methods is to ask for help. For example, you could ask for directions:
- “Excuse me, do you know where the nearest Starbucks is?”
After they respond, you can smoothly transition into asking for a drink recommendation:
- “I'm looking for a drink but not sure what I'll get. Do you have any drink recommendations?”
This keeps things light and gives the other person an opportunity to open up.
It’s a question that’s not too personal but still sparks a conversation.
Pleasantries
To set yourself up for success in social situations, engaging in pleasantries is crucial. It starts with simple actions: smiling, showing genuine interest, and being attentive.
These small gestures signal openness and approachability.
If small talk makes you cringe, think of it as a survival mechanism. Small talk is the verbal equivalent of two animals sniffing each other out, ensuring there’s no danger.
And yes, you may do the small talk and the pleasantries BUT have you ever had a colleague where the connection isn’t getting off the ground? There is one reason why these conversations don’t cross into friendship territory.
2. Shared Interests
Why Confidence Is Overrated
The reason why you don’t form a connection is because you were trying too hard to please the other person.
Because if everyone likes you, no one will truly love you. Why?
Because you’re not showing enough of your real self for anyone to connect with deeply.
Confidence is important but when people say ‘confidence is key’, they really mean the confidence to be yourself. In other words, authenticity. People may not always relate to your specific interests, but they’ll respect you for being true to yourself. You’ll be interesting.
Authenticity is like a magnet. Authenticity attracts the right people and leaves an impression on everyone else.
If you’re authentically you, and you don’t suit someone, it’s not a reflection of your worth. Not everyone is going to like you—and that’s okay! The people who do stick around and become friends for life will appreciate you for who you are, not an inaccurate version of you.
How To Be More Authentic
The confidence to be yourself begins with first validating yourself. Seek your own applause. When you give yourself a standing ovation every day, it doesn’t really matter if someone else is clapping for you or not.
But if you keep using the same strategies, you’ll get the same results. Sometimes, it takes a fresh perspective and using proven tools.
A coach or therapist will keep you accountable. They will help you reach your goals faster and see hidden mental blocks holding you back from actually making friends.
With so many coaches offering free, risk-free consultations, you’ve got nothing to lose. You’ll never know if it’s the right fit unless you try.
How to Share Your Interests (Without Feeling Awkward)
Shared interests are the secret sauce that takes superficial conversations to real connections. Just make sure you don’t make it feel awkward.
The most organic way to bring up your interest is by connecting it to whatever’s already being discussed. If the topic veers in a direction even slightly related to your hobby or passion, use that as a segue.
Other Examples:
- Ask about their interests: “So, what do you do in your free time?”
- Share through actions: for example, leave a book at your desk
- Ask for advice: Any good book recommendations? I’ve been looking for something new to read.
If they’re intrigued, they’ll ask more, and bam—you’re off to a deeper conversation.
3. Repeated Interaction
These small actions build the foundation of trust and familiarity of any adult friendship. In fact, research shows that it takes around 50 hours of interaction to form a casual friendship, 90 hours to become good friends, and more than 200 hours to develop a close friendship possibly for life. The more quality time you spend together, the deeper the connection becomes.
If you’re the one always initiating, and the other person rarely reaches out, it can feel one-sided.
Here’s what to keep in mind:
- Don’t take it personally: People have busy lives, and sometimes it’s not about you. They might be preoccupied with work, family, or other commitments.
- Give it space: If someone isn’t reciprocating, give it a little time before you try again. You don’t want to come off as pushy. Adult friendships should feel natural, not forced.
Now what if you feel like making friends is too much effort?
Sometimes, it’s not that you want to be alone, but rather, the thought of socializing seems like more effort than it’s worth. Maybe you’ve had a few awkward encounters that left you feeling drained, or perhaps your schedule feels packed
We’ve all been there: you miss one event, and one missed event turns into two and turns into never.
Making good friends doesn’t have to be a grand event or a lengthy commitment. Start small and aim for low-effort ways to connect with others without feeling like you’re exerting too much energy. For example just one event a month.
Reflect and remind yourself that you could be missing out on a good friendship for life by choosing to stay home.
4. Emotional Trust: How To Be A Good Friend
Adult friendships come with an unspoken contract. These principles of building trust and being a good friend should start from day one and are important for building a friendship for life.
Not every friend will be your go-to person for deep conversations, and that’s okay. You can have good friends you trust with your innermost thoughts and casual friends who are fun to hang out with but don’t need to know every detail of your life. It’s important to recognize and accept these different dynamics.
Here are a few points to remember to build emotional trust with your friend.
Be Supportive, Not Judgmental
Everyone faces challenges, and sometimes your friend may need someone to simply listen without offering opinions or judgment.
Celebrate Their Wins
Adult friendships aren’t just about being there when things go wrong. Be equally present to celebrate your friend’s achievements and successes, big or small.
Questions to Ask Yourself About a Friendship:
Not every relationship is meant to last, especially when the people in your life consistently drain your energy or bring negativity. Here are some questions to ask yourself about your adult friendships:
- Does this person add to my life? – Do they bring joy, support, or positivity into your life?
- What does this person detract from my life? – Do they cause stress, frustration, or make you feel drained?
- How does this person make me feel? – After spending time with them, do you feel uplifted, or do you feel worse about yourself?
Conclusion
You’re not meant to be good friends with everyone, and that’s okay—not everyone will like you. Put yourself out there and create opportunities for connection. Building adult friendship for life comes down to chance, so maximize your chances. If you want faster results, a coach can help identify hidden mental blocks and guide you toward building lasting relationships.
Disclaimer: Coach Connect Australia is not responsible for the content published by our contributing authors. The views, thoughts, and opinions expressed in this article belong solely to the article author. The content is designed to support, not replace any kind of professional or medical treatment.
